Wake up..

When i woke up today evening after a "short" afternoon nap my husband asked me to watch Mr. Abhijit mukherji (of the pranab mukherjee fame!!) being ripped apart by Arnab on a chat show for his "anti women" comments.
I did not feel like watching it. Why ? I feel "Rape" is just india's fresh craze of the season. Like cricket, IPL, scams  and many many more. For a nation that awaits constant drama, for its people who love to jab and suffer from short term memories, for TRP crazy TV channels and masala flavoured news papers, for the road side gup shup...its just a new flavour of the season. I see so many many protests - online n off it, activists, editorials on papers, tons n tons of rape and molest cases being dug out...right now i feel sick and tired of it.
For thousands of people (women included) who in our country feel women should have a "decent" dress code , stick with our "glorious" culture , be "homely and tamed", haaah...Mr Mukherji is only 1. Why trouble him Arnab? Probably his remark would deny his father a second term, nothing more to it! Hail India.

Oh yes, the assaulters do deserve capital punishment, be publicly hanged, stoned to death...anything. they just dont deserve another chance. But what punishment do you give others..the not so obvious culprits?

India, each day your women, her self respect , dignity gets "attacked " and "compromised" everywhere - on the road, at work, at home...just about everywhere in the hands of strangers, some who call themselves friends, some who are relations, some through relations of the heart. For she who copes with all this with "dignity" and silence survives when she copes to move on with a supportive family and friends. The ones who don't go many ways..some become rebels or are labelled so esp when there is an influential touch to the case; some are labelled as "deserving the treatment" due to their own "immoral" acts which include dressing and having a life style which do not stick to the Indian culture , few others catch the eye of the nation, sometimes as in this case become the nations tragedy after Nargis from mother india. It is only a matter of time before India forgets her "Amanat" who is now battling for life in another nation. Hail India.

Is this the history and glory of the so called holy land? It makes me wonder why most of the sages worshipped were men anyway. Did they leave their family at hands of a woman to continue their spiritual journey?

Does india only shelter and accept saree clad traditional women who stick to their kitchen, husband n co and produce heirs as shown in the long list of "kkkkkk" seriels ? I hope India wakes up some day...Hail India.

I will choose how i live my life. Period.
I will choose what i eat, dress how i like (even its just 1 Mtr Long), go where i want. Your half open shirt , flimsy white dhoti or a low fit jeans is just as provocative. It does mean there is a character problem. I can live as much as you do. Shoo away you B******. I deserve the freedom. I , the people. I , the woman. Just as any one of you.

My heart is with Amanat and with the anger of thousands of women who have gone through similar trauma. I can only promise you that i will try my best to tell the men in my life to give women the respect and freedom she deserves. Always.

mere yaar ki shaadi hein!

The guy in the red and checks shirt...got married today. :)
Sitting there in the mandap, with my little Sid, I  was recollecting our journey of 15 years or more ...together and apart. To me friendship, jovial, enthusiastic and a shoulder of support through thick and thin... is all him. He defines those words. There is so much more to write, but sometimes the words just don't come out. It is simply more beautiful to keep it locked up inside. To my best man and his one best woman...the beautiful lady named Anu...May you both have a wonderful life ahead.

Perfection

It seems yesterday that i turned around to look at my wonderful little cuddle bundle under the theatre lights post delivery. He was so tiny and all red. With spiky hair and tiny eyes he looked more a chinese!

Sid is now almost turned two and is a toddler. That time flies is so true. Every morning after I finish all the house hold tasks and my husband is off to work, its our playtime.
Once he finishes breakfast and bath we go out for a stroll around the apartment. We are both running - he after butterflies and puppies ; me behind him.

This whole week its been quiet hot and sunny so to restrain his outdoor urge i have been inventing games and tasks to keep him occupied at home. The criteria being that -it should be amusing to catch his attention, entertaining to keep him at the task for at least half an hour or more and simple for me too to perform the act.
His first love has always been drawing..crayons, color pencils etc etc. What i draw for him is standard - bus , cars , lorry and latest craze being jeeps. In all colors and shapes his drawing book is filled with the modes of transport. Boys start off early with their motor craze don they?

Today morning i decided i should introduce him to the art of paper crafts. In the beginning i was using different colored papers to create boats , planes , birds and all that i knew and remembered making. He wanted me to make a flower and a bus. I then took out the scissors and started cutting the paper into different shapes. Shapes that he loved the most - star, moon, flowers etc etc. Initially i was sticking them on to his drawing book, but slowly we attacked the wall in the living room. He enjoyed it so much, trying to touch them, identifying the colors , watching me carefully during the process of sticking it and all. 

I noticed that some of the flowers i had cut were not symmetrical. Imperfect butterflies, flowers , leafs and all came popping out of my production house. I could not stop thinking that in reality gods creations in nature are never imperfect. Every flower on the tree , every leaf all are perfectly symmetrical and in shape.  It is so beautifully done.
 Of-course over a period of time and with practice i agree that we all can become experts in what we do ; so is it that god took his time to become a perfectionist, and in our spiritual quest...isn't it that we all are looking to be perfectionists in each of our tasks? I wondered as i stuck the last one for the day , a yellow butterfly, on the wall.  I looked at Sid, his eyes full of awe and lips curved into a smile; my gift from god which is so perfect, that everything seems magical.

songs of the rain

There are recent hits that get your attention, catch ur nerves and leave you hazed. Its like a temptation that we succumb to. But then after the storm is over, we go back to the songs that we love the most, have touched our heart and soul, songs that remain for al ifetime close to your heart. Most of the such songs for me have the theme of water...like a lazy river flowing down the stream. When i listen to these ...its just the sensation of flowing with the river. Some of them...

Mazhaneer thullikal - From the movie beautiful. Its the sound of those drops that gets me drenched. The music leaves a feeling of a cold rainy night. The dim light of the candle ...the beautiful black bindi on the actress's and her teasing smile. Ever so inviting.

Varamanjal - from the movie Pranayavarnangal. The frame that comes into the mind even when i type is manju warrier opening the wooden window which over looks the kuttanadan paddy fields. What a lovely green frame. The song is a typical river flow..it starts...slowly...paving the way through the stones gently....and just when we lazily reach the end of the stanza..the beats from "chenda" (drum) start off as if we dived down along a waterfall...and then it lands and flows again...till ends into the sea. beautiful and serene. 

Savan barse - Dont remember which movie, but the song is shot on sonali bendre and akshay khanna ,two new lovers wanting to meet...on a rainy day. Beautiful frames all through the song. It oozes the innocence of a new found love. 

Margazhi poove - tamil song from the movie..don remember. the song is a nice blend of classical tunes with modern beats. A song which you wake up to on a rainy day. A song to listen to after the rains have left your gardens wet. 

i, me, myself

A friend of mine passed me on this song to listen to years back. And from the first time i heard it i loved the lyrics, its apt for me. For the person i am and for the thoughts that run in my mind.

Tune into "Boulevard of broken dreams" by band Greenday.
ahaan....ahannn ahaan...aahan...

i walk a lonely road, the only road that i have ever known.
Dont know where it goes but its only me and i walk alone....

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Every other post on Facebook is a Friendship day wish. Don't we celebrate friendship every other day. Aren't they part of our daily lives...standing right beside you / over call/ over chat / in your thoughts. To me they are gods best gifts and blessed am i to have quite a few. All times spent in their company are magical and nostalgic. But there are few that come flowing into my mind when i think of each of them. To my closest buddies...

Anjana, Harsha and Nithin (Nath) - my oldest friends. From 1st standard to 12th, my partners in crime. 

Anju - i hope you still remember the number of dusters we made overnight to compensate for playing with them as punishment. Thanks to traitor Nithin :D oh mine..it makes me laugh. 

Harsha - we defenitely were not gay when bombay craze swallowed us. The shekhar and shaila acts. he he.

Adding to this list my first girls gang 007 -
Merlin ( naam gum jayega.- the song u sang in cca. each time i listen to it i think of you)
Sreeja (tuntun who wouldnt share her water bottle. i think i was the first person she met in the new school and i very carelessly forgot to befriend her on the first day :P)
Renju - 8th std photo, where are you looking girl?
Nithin - The honest boy who got us punishment, but stealing chocolates we got from JP Sir!

Bala - innumerable fights we have had for the bulletin board competitions. Thanks to his participation in extempore and debate , the guy can still speak 5 minutes about anything under the world.

Ganesh - the best man always and forever. there are just too many beautiful moments to write down here. Walking down the lane to walking around in IIT we have walked together a long way. the guy with the red and black check shirt riding the grey chetak. :D The unforgettable Pondi trip.

Rakhal and Mithun- i have lost touch with both of them. Both were the funniest guys i ever knew back then.

Strawberries - (Byns, Manjari, Shalu, Lekshmi and Sparu :D ), Arathi , Sindhu , Manju - I guess i will have write a separate blog for them.
Byns - The night before the first year civil exam. the result of our failed combined study!
Manjari - asha n kishore collections all night. Byns me and u enjoying parotta chicken curry from local store in hostel. :D whats in the background :P
Shalu - my first eyebrow threading experience! dee u still do that? :D
Lekshmi- our very very silly fight over nothing and a waste of four years on that :)
Arathi - more than you, i need to write about aunty :) :P
Sindhu - it has to be thaleepeeth episode. And, the girl walks all the way from chinnakada to college on saturday and then sleeps the entire Sunday with cramps!
Manju - Please open the door. The amazingly lazy bum.
arathi n sindhu - i need to mention our project which i don't remember ABCD about. But what i remember is  the red salwar we 3 bought, the amazing biryanis we had  and the juice we were not able to drink. err...i mean only sindhu was able to drink!

Nish, Saju, Chittaps, Rep, Suppu, Jiyas, Jaz, Reshmi- Though not very much in touch with any of them now , they were once my thickest friends in college and do need a mention here. We walk different ways now, but i guess when we meet we still might pick up from where we left.

The industrial visit to NTPC kayamkulam with all of the above. Man what a ride and what a day that was.

Malik - The craziest arts club secretary TKM ever had in my view. Singing Kaho na pyar hein a 100 times and making a whole bunch of people do that in the auditorium. But i have also got to learn a lot of good lessons in life from this amazing senior. Always smiling. Always.

Nipun - though there are many episodes in college what strikingly comes to my mind is the chappathis n peas curry meal at your place in chennai. The long walk beside besant nagar beach.

Anju, Mal, Rakesh, Sandy and Gov - at loss of words here. When i think of them, i think of the toughest three months in my life till now. When i literally i had no one to turn to or support, they stood by me like rock.
Mal - the sambar and avial we cooked on a sudden holiday declaration.
Anju - Do you still have the mail i sent you when u went to Philippines? I think around new year? That is the first time i realised i had a soul mate. The pondi trip with you and ganesh is my most cherished trip ever. We three watching sun rise together. What a beautiful moment it was.
Rakesh - sitting outside 44 and wondering why it should be an arranged marriage.
Sandy - how many hens did we kill eating biryani at feast of asia? And yeah how can i forget "Paida Karo" :D
Govi - ho the excitement and relief and joy in finding one familiar face at abu palace. Kismet connection!

Amit Kapoor, HSB,Ramya - my first cubicle mates. it was fun at work and Amit who always had a tip to do everything the correct way.

Rajiv - the guy was certainly not my type when i heard him comment " the world is so round". try and remember when (wink). The everyday fight i had over lunch with him. When did it all become right and perfect and this way...i don't know.

Nibu, Akshay-  all three of us playing football inside the cubicle and being fired "This is not college-act professionally" :D
swami - guide at work and guru for learning tamil :P. Always calling "enna nair"

Nitin - without an H. Though my schoolmate i got to know him better only much later. the "roof top" ride on that rickety bus at Mekadatu. Star gazing by the lake with lotsa mosquitoes for company in the Army college campus at Pune.

Sowmya - i literally threw her out of the house. and there she was sitting on the wall of 44 , not having anything to do on a very important day in my life. in fact life changing day i should say.

Deepti, Kishan- Sushens party, the ride back and the yedukumari trek. The only trek i have done till now , what an amazing experience with a wonderful friend.

Vishwa , Sujith, Ila, Poorna, Shankar ,Vidya, Alan, avishek - my moscow gang. If only i could post the videos of 168 it would be self explanatory as to how crazy the three months were. :)

Oh, the more i write the more they flow in -memories. The more they make my life beautiful with their little nothings. Wonder where to begin, where it ends :) As i sit here in this room and type this, i wonder if you get the vibes. Wonder if you know how special you are...to me :) 

just another scumbag

Yes...thats all that i am after all.
Happened to watch a man with a well running business, a modelling freelancer and a seemingly settled life, leave all that to head to his village somewhere in bihar to fight the caste system. He started a school to educate the young minds and shape them with brighter ideas. He fought for men (of a particular caste) who cremated dead bodies besides the ganges but not allowed to even touch the sacred water! What a man
And here i am , telling my friends why i like it here. Its closer home, easier life besides u get all indian stuff. I mean...all my life i have been wanting to be different and look at me.. all i am is just the typical scumbag. All nostagic and fond...but not wanting to get into the dirt and clean it up! tch tch dhanya!
to start with...i think id never repeat that standard reply of mine. where is all my KV blood?

Sumitra

The sparkle in her eyes, thats what drew me to her the first time i met her; sometime in 2005. She was 8 months old and cuddling in her blanket in the baby basket. Apple of the eye for 35 siblings she had with her, guarded lovingly by Saraswati aunty , she was the 36th entrant into Anatha shishu seva ashram, 4th cross, wilson garden, bangalore.

Being blind did not stop Saraswati aunty in her life's mission of sheltering children abandoned on the road. She gave them a home (not an orphanage) , her love and care. Her husband helps her in this cause; he runs the kitchen and manages the daily chores in the house. Her son helps her in managing the accounts. She raises the kids, sends them to a govt school near by, college, helps them to get jobs and marries them off.

I read about the place in an email posted on the bulletin board at office and decided to spend my sunday there. When i visited the place the first time there was only one very old house in a small plot with two bedrooms (one for boys and the other for the girls). A hall which was used as prayer room, study, play area and dining. The house badly needed renovation since parts of the tiled roof we broken and the rain used to pour in. The dampness and chill filled the rooms.

I should admit my first visit ignited a lot of thought process mostly thanking god for the life he gave me.  The realization that what i crib and cry for in life is so silly. Have been visiting the place once in a while through these years and i am glad that today my little Sumitra is a big girl. She goes to a govt school near by. She is one of the rowdies of the house playing pranks on all. The renovation is almost complete but inmates have increased to 50+.

Some kids take time to mingle, but there are times when they come and sit by my side and narrate stories from school and things about each other. It is a wonderful feeling to see the shine in their eyes. They are the same as Sid's - i know now.

Life is a only about loving all...or so i guess. To Sumitra...my love. 

breakthrough?

finally some respite.
i like this article and hope things speed up.
http://www.sciencealert.com.au/news/20122106-23498.html

the dangerous bite

Here is how a tiny mosquito can threaten your very own existence in this lovely planet! Why did god create them? or were these particular viruses man made?

March last week : I was at TVM for a function - Sid's "nercha garudan thookam". Its was at a temple at my moms place, adoor. I remember feeling exhausted by the hot and humid climate. I associated the body ache to carrying sid around for too long and the climate change between bangalore and TVM.
Two days later working from Technopark, i just could not sit at my desk as i was shivering away. I logged off and went to the dorm where the ac was too much for me. I called up dad and asked him to take me to doctor.
This physician is someone dad had been taking me to since childhood. He said that it might be a viral fever and that i should take rest. He gave me injections , medicines for a week. A couple of antibiotics, some fluids and couple of days later i was better and i went back to Bangalore.

April 10th -20th.
I felt feverish on and off. Gave blood tests at manipal and they test it for malaria. But the reports were negative. What i felt is the same as before - easily exhausted, feverish, severe body pain , lack of appetite, stomach upsets.
I consulted two different doctors there and both repeated and asserted that i take rest since i am getting repeated viral fever infections. I was then literally surviving on fluids, drinking juice, skipping dinner. I could just not stand the sight of rice.

April 21st
I woke up with severe fever and body ache. I was supposed to leave to trivandrum the very next day. I took leave from work and told raj's mom that i wanted to sleep for some more time. Its almost noon when i woke up and since i had not eaten anything she forced me to eat some rice and rasam. Before even i could finish five spoons, i threw up the whole thing. Raj's father  accompanied me to manipal once again and they said it is the lack of rest that is causing the viral to persist.  They prescribe some blood tests once again which i dint take that day.
By evening i felt better and decided to go ahead with the travel. Travelling with Sid alone is not easy; since Rajiv is already left for singapore. Luckily for me , dad is flying to TVM the same day in the same flight from kolkata via bangalore. thanks to indigo. I only had to have the energy to make it to the flight with Sid. I gathered all my strength and the thought of going home itself probably pepped me up.

April 22
Waking up early morning at 5, i was neither tired nor exhausted. Fever was also down. Sid was a good boy at airport and without much running around i boarded flight. Both of us slept. I remember dad asking me if i was not well. I told him about the viral symptoms which had not left. Once i reached home, dad and mom insisted that i give the blood sample for the tests prescribed at manipal @ kims the very same day. So in the afternoon we went to the wellness centre near my place and give the sample for tests. The report was expected the next day. Meanwhile, the body ache and lack of appetite showed up again.

April 23, Sunday
It was Aditi's, bhagya's daughter, "choroonu" at a temple , at TVM itself. It's a ceremony i would not miss at any cost, though i still felt tired and exhausted. I told parents to take care of Sid completely from then on and just sat down at the temple auditorium watching things go on. I dint even have the energy to go inside the sanctum sanctorium. After lunch we collected the blood reports. One of my cousins asks me what my platelet count is shown as. And from the report, its quiet normal, within the range prescribed. He suggested that i show the report to doctor at KIMS anyways. Then he narrated his experience- of Dengue. I showed least interest in heading back for another hospital visit. He  left after advising me to drink lot of water.

Sunday Night.
I could hardly sleep. I was awake almost the whole night and was constantly up drinking water. More than ten or fifteen times.

April 24, Monday
I woke up with Sid's wake up cooes. But I could hardly open my eyes. I assumed it was the lack of sleep that left me feeling as if i had drunk 10 vodka bottles. Or may the "anamayakki" version of toddy? :)
Did i drink vodka instead of water through the night?- I wondered. For the first time in that month i wanted to drink tea. Mom made the loveliest and tastiest breakfast i had for i dont know how long. That morning i ate well and drank almost three cups of tea. I told my parents i felt as i if i had take some drugs and that i had not slept well, so i wanted to sleep more. Mom and dad looked worried and suggested we should go to doc immediately. I insisted that i was only sleep deprived. I went to sleep and then....the hallucinations started coming in. The first one was a thailand trip. Lots and lots of people. A market place. Chinese pots.... Then there was too much purple paint flowing. Red and Green slowly started spreading into the purple......What a beautiful mix of colors.
I woke up to mom's call asking me to get ready to go to hospital. I was irked , one for waking me up from the wonderful dreams i was having, second for having to go and see a doc for the same old problem. However, i got ready , even before my parents did and then...I got into the car and slept....

Kims, April 24 Monday 11.00 am probably.
It is only in bits and pieces that i remember. I opened my eyes to read the Kims sign. Sleep. Daddy was asking if i could hear him and if I would be able to walk.
I managed to drag myself into the wheelchair that was waiting for me , since how long i dont know.
Emergency - The nurse asked me what i was feeling. I asked her to give me a bed, to sleep.

Emergency ward, Kims, April 24- from here on i dont have track of time or dates correctly.
Mom is at my side. I am on a stretcher. Hah!!! finally they gave me a bed. Good. I sleepily gaze around and see its around 1.30. I asked mom if Sid was fed lunch. She refuses to leave my side. I told her i would be fine and okay and i would live to see my 25th anniversary with Raj!! I told her this was how i  consoled myself when i felt fearful. She still refuses to leave. I dont remember how but when i woke up next damodaran uncle is there. He  tells me that I am strong girl and i should not be afraid and that i will be okay. I replied that i am fine , only sleepy.
Once again when i wake up , Manu chetans father in law is there and repeats similar things. I ask where Sid is. I am worried if he will feel uncomfortable not seeing me and seeing a lot of new people around him. He assures me that Sid was playing and was perfectly fine.

Three days later i learned that lot of my cousins had visited and i had spoken to them lying in that stretcher. One of them fed me lunch, which again i have no memory of.

Midnight (April 25)
There has been too many world tours - in my dreams. I woke up to a dark room. I wanted to go to loo, but somewhere my hand is stuck.  Sid was sleeping blissfully next to me. Mom was there too in the next bed. I pulled out the wire that was holding me back and went to restroom. Sleepily i tried to look around and get some sense.Oh!!! I had been shifted to the ward and it was a decent looking room. Then i spotted blood stains on the floor tiles, tracing that i saw blood flowing down from my left forearm. I suddenly remember that i had been given IV and that i had just pulled out the tube from it. I closed the IV duct myself , woke mom up and asked her to call the nurse to clean the room. I crashed on her bed and slept off again

ICU.,
I wake up and find that i have shifted to ICU. It was actually the nurse who woke me up to ask what i would have for dinner. I noticed a big blue box on the IV in the left arm and the regular fluids on the right. When i asked i got to know the left one was for restoring potassium levels. I also remember ordering cut fruits and pineapple juice for dinner. That is d only meal i remember eating ever since i went to KIMS on monday.

In between these two days sometime or the other i also have vague memory of speaking to Rajiv over phone and getting glimpses of Siddu here and there.

Once in the ICU i suddenly woke up and asked the nurse where siddu went. She gave a confused look and i clarified that he was there just a couple of minutes back playing with me and he ran into the adjacent room. She asked me to take some more water and go back to sleep.

I dont know how, but i knew Rajiv was coming to see me. And when i came out of ICU i was glad to see the two guys happily cuddling on the bed in my room in ward.

I learned that i was diagnosed of Dengue. I was semi conscious for three days and was blabbering all the time in my sleep. The platelet count which normally is 150 thousand and more in blood, was down to 19000. The low blood pressure, sodium and potassium caused the semi consciousness.

I dont remember being in a mosquito prominent area. No idea how i caught the nasty disease. But i will not forget this one week at KIMS for a long time. There was regular monitoring of platelet count; which meant my veins were being pierced two times a day. After the 4th day they found difficulty finding veins and they had to change the IV connect from my hand elsewhere. There was no other option, so i let them connect it to the main vein to the left leg. Horrifying pierces for the next two days with nurses digging up with needles and getting stuck midway without finding a vein! Finally only the experts would come to collect the sample.

The hallucinations reduced and so did my sleep time. I started recollecting my dreams. Some were very vivid and detailed, that i narrated it to all.

Once the platelet induce was done, within hours the count began to stabilize again going up steadily. It was a relief. But the check for the count was more painful each time.

Sid was such a wonderfully good boy who understood something was wrong with me and stuck to my parents company. He was happy visiting me twice a day. Rajiv stayed on till saturday and i felt a little low when he left.

I rested at home for another two weeks and it took almost more than a month and half to get back to my normal state. I had lost couple of kilos and still looked tired and exhausted all the time through that time. I should thank a lot of people- cousins , relatives, family friends....GOD. I feel truly blessed.

Now at singapore , i when i sit and watch the disease spread, taking a lot of lives , esp of young children, i wish and want to do something to raise awareness.

There are two forms of the disease -- dengue and a more severe version by some clinical name. The symptoms of both are similar but it is in the second one where one slips semi consciousness and sometimes into shock. If not treated at proper time, it is a killer.

Dengue is caused by a mosquito breed named a.aegypti.  It begins with sudden fever of 100-105 four to five days after the infection. There would be fatigue, lack of appetite, body ache, joint pain, nausea, vomiting, loose stool etc. It needs immediate medical attention. Clinically it is tested by checking the complete blood count to monitor platelet count. There are three specific blood tests for dengue and the culture takes four to seven days to confirm.

People who are reading this, please please please...take care from the new vampires and stay away from the dangerous bite. Do your bit to keep your surroundings clean and mosquito free. Take care.

location change :)

shifting to a place that you always wanted to come back to is a dream. but when the dream comes true..there is lot of packing and unpacking and settling down to do! plus the pain of leaving lot a city which was your second home, parents, in laws...FRIENDS!
I am living my dream now and it feels good. 

survival of the fittest...

oh i so understand the theory of evolution. all through these months of depression, loneliness and all kinds of negative emotions all i seek is my old friends...i have walked till here and turning back...where are they? they seem far away...lost- like me. right now in search of an identity of my own...the me i knew long before....the me that i loved.